12am Thoughts

Lately, I have been reading blogs written by different people and listening to their stories have made me question a lot of things about myself. I started to become confused of the path I am currently taking and I have been constantly asking if I'm taking the right road. Frankly speaking, reading people's adventures have made me envious of their lives. I think it's normal to be jealous. I think ... we all go through that at one point in life. In comparison to others, my life seems nothing. My life is infinitesimal in relation to them. I'm not sure if it's because i'm just 19 and my everyday life has been a routine because of school. I have a schedule to follow, rules to stick by, books to read, cases to write and responsibilities I must accomplish. But then again, I chose this. What is the point of being jealous? What is the point of wasting time thinking if you were a different person or thinking if you were living his/her life?

On a personal experience,  being envious of people's lives made me realize my own faults as a person and has made me aware of the things I should focus on. More than that, envy opened my eyes to the beautiful life I currently have but I, unfortunately, have never known until now. There were three significant experiences I have gone through when I was at the top-end of being envious. (1) Through the constant struggle to be above anyone else, I reached my own downfall. (2) Through the never ending dreams of being great, I've seen myself self destruct. (3) Through the triumphs made by wrongful acts and triggered by atrocious and rotten motivations, I felt disgrace. Envy is not a win-win situation. When you become greater than everyone else, it just simply fills up a void in the internal self temporarily. The feeling of greatness subsides faster than you achieved it. When time passes by, the void needs to be filled up again and you'll need another ground where you can feed your ego. More than losing, I think it's a sad cycle to be sucked in - been there, done that. In every phase of life wherein I felt that envy was consuming me, there was one thing that helped me resurface: Gratitude. It's always about being happy and contented with the things you have. When you become thankful of the things life throws at you or when you become more resourceful and appreciative of the most important things you have in life, envy starts to become a dim light on the road while real life happiness illuminates. With that, you see the beauty of your life and equally important is the fact that you are so blessed than you could have ever imagined.

Many of us are way too focused on seeing other people's success that we forget our own progress. It's always good to pause, reminisce, reflect and keep a tracking record because it helps you remember that you are making a star out of your own, it may not yet be as bright as the way other stars twinkle, but the important part is that you're giving out your own light that makes up a bigger and beautiful picture. It's not really about how big or small you'll become...all that matters is your relevance. So move forward, look straight, focus on your goals and never be blinded or be envious by the the light of others because you have your own light that is perpetual, unyielding and significant,

Right now, I am more than inspired to be at my best all the time.

“Envy consists in seeing things never in themselves, but only in their relations. If you desire glory, you may envy Napoleon, but Napoleon envied Caesar, Caesar envied Alexander, and Alexander, I daresay, envied Hercules, who never existed.”
Bertrand Russell

I was, before, held by the chain of rusting sins. When I saw the Light, I was set free. 


(Again, here's another random thought in the middle of the night. I'm not sure if it'll make sense.)